Friday, March 1, 2013

if you take photos i hate you

I take photos.  Sometimes I don't take enough.  Sometimes I take too many.  Sometimes I take too long working on them afterward.  I take photos and sometimes I hate myself for it, but if you take photos I probably hate you to.

I'm not sure why I have this reaction.  Every time I read about some new photography star in American Photo or National Geographic or Wired or whatever the hell I happen to come across online I HATE that person.  I hate their amazing talent and their incredible depth in imagery.  I think "FUCKING BULLSHIT I COULD DO THAT.  WHY IS THIS PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE GETTING PAID, GETTING TO LIVE OFF OF DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO? SHIT BULLSHIT FIVE WAYS GODDAMNED CHRIST FUCK ME."  It's quite a reaction to have to the thing that I love.

Which is weird.  I've always described myself as non-competitive.  I get competitive with myself.  SELF IMPROVEMENT I always think.  Turns out that just ain't true and I just discovered it today.

Are all artists so self loathing that they mentally lash out at those who are more successful, more dedicated, more well known?  I don't know man.  Who are these people?  How are they sooo good?  Are they just like me?  Slouching through one idea after the next?  Having a gallery show once a year in the town they grew up in?

I have this big idea about those big names.  Like how you hear that Hemmingway or Assimov treated writing like a full time job.  How they put a pot of coffee on at 8 to get on their typewriter at 9 and didn't stop until 5.  I mean what the fuck am I doing with myself that is so important that it's getting in the way of photography?  I love photography!  How am I not doping this everyday?

It's like I need some corporal punishment everyday I don't work on image making for at least an hour.  Everyday I don't work on photography a strip of flesh is to be removed from the back of my knee joint. That'd be a neat setup wouldn't it?  Be held prisoner by my own fascination?  Well that's kinda how it is now, but in reverse.  In some type of torturous holding pattern.

Well that needs to change.  I need to change.  I heard from somewhere (probably my parents) that it takes doing something everyday for a month for your behavioral patterns to change.  Maybe my inner voice yelling "BULLSHIT" every time I see a 365 project should be more directed at myself than those brave individuals who take it upon themselves to take an image every. damn. day.  Ok yes.

Look at these amazing people that intimidate me and make me feel wildly jealous:

I've done some good shit.  I know that.  But I think it's time to embrace my competitive edge and get somewhere with my photography already DOGGARN IT.